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A clean body is a dead body

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A park bench. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are keeping their distance.

Guildenstern: Rosencrantz, I’ve been reading that a vaccine against the contagion is probably a year away at least. How are we going to last until then? Isn’t there something you can suggest?

Rosencrantz: I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute.

Guildenstern: A minute! My God, why aren’t the world’s scientists looking into this? A minute!

Rosencrantz: It occurred to me, is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets inside the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it would be interesting to check that.

Guildenstern: So everyone could have the vaccine on the shelf under the cupboard or in the laundry. This is insane. It’s there just waiting to be injected. Well drug addicts have the upper hand for once or type 1 diabetics.

Rosencrantz: You’re gonna have to use medical doctors.

Guildenstern: Oh I see, might be a bit tricky knowing how to administer the needle of disinfectant or maybe even which strength of disinfectant or how much. There must be some are stronger than others. Toilet cleaner, mould buster, bathroom scrubber, surface cleaner. It could get risky.

Rosencrantz: Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t.

Guildenstern: That’s true, and what’s a bit of experimentation among the desperate when the choice is so stark. Keep your distance, stay home, wash your hands, and keep the guns in the shed or under the bed or take a shot at instant cure. I wonder if there’s another way though, after all some people might be able to tote a gun but be scared of needles.

Rosencrantz: Well, supposing you brought the light inside the body – either through the skin or some other way.

Guildenstern: You are a genius.

Rosencrantz: It’d be interesting to check that. You’d have to use medical doctors.

Guildenstern: Not witch doctors? (small laugh). Yes, of course you would. It sounds like a radical operation. It could be Rosencrantz’s version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Rosencrantz: Now you’re mocking me. Maybe you can. Maybe you can’t. I’m not a doctor. But I’m a person that has a good you-know-what.

Guildenstern:  Yes you do. Many people comment on your you-know-what. And if only people could tune into your mind, feel your brain at work. I guess that’s why you send so many tweets out into the world. No leader has ever let the world know how his brain works like you do.

Rosencrantz: Thank you my friend. You’re right. I’m the president and everyone else is fake news.

Guildenstern: Even me?

Rosencrantz: Well I’ll make an exception for you. You know it is interesting the people who are having trouble are turning blue.

Guildenstern: You don’t think they’re having trouble breathing do you?

Rosencrantz: What? No. And if they were a shot of bleach will clear the lungs.

Guildenstern: Bleach?

Rosencrantz: Yes, we can tell them they’ll be all white. Or we can tell them they’ll find nirvana.  (He falls off the bench laughing.)

Guildenstern: Really?

Rosencrantz: No, I was being sarcastic.

Image: Tim Roth and Gary Oldman in the 1990 film ‘Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead’ written and directed by Tom Stoppard based on his play of the same name.

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